So to start off, this is more of an off-season kind of post, but I’m a lazy P.O.S. and honestly, the idea came to me late last night.
Now that I got that out of the way I present to you:
MASCOT MASHUP – LOUISIANA TECH EDITION
Basically, after being inspired by some r/CFB reddit posts from the off-season like this one and this one, I wondered how our bulldogs would fare against our opponents if their teams were comprised of living mascots. So I decided to look into it and see how our schedule plays out. Let’s begin.
(Fair warning, I know very little about fighting or animals.)
Week 1: LA Tech Bulldogs vs. NSU Demons
Yeah, I think literal demons would probably be able to beat bulldogs. Literal demons could probably smoke most teams. I’ll give NSU the win here. (Doesn’t really matter though, since we beat them 52-24)
Week 2: LA Tech Bulldogs vs. Mississippi State Bulldogs
I mean in a literal dog fight, nobody wins. Dog fighting is bad. Don’t do it. For the sake of my argument it’s a push, but we have home field advantage so gimme that W.
Week 3: LA Tech Bulldogs at WKU Hilltoppers
Okay, first off wtf is a hilltopper? Is it a hill? The top of a hill? I don’t know, but it’s absolutely terrifying as a costumed mascot.
I’m not going to look into it anymore; this is the fuel of nightmares. All I know is that dogs can pee on hills. Also, hills are static objects. Bulldogs piss on ‘em.
Week 4: LA Tech Bulldogs at South Carolina Gamecocks
So, at first I was like, “yeah, a bulldog could maul a glorified chicken, no problem.” Then I started to look into what a gamecock really was and cockfighting and all that. So, look, if they let the put those scary-ass metal spurs on those roosters, we’re going to have a very bad day.
But considering that cockfighting is illegal in all 50 states, including South Carolina, I’m going to say they don’t get the metal spurs and that they weren’t bred to be like the gamecocks of old. A bulldog could probably kill a chicken.
Week 5: LA Tech Bulldogs vs. South Alabama Jaguars
I don’t really think there’s much to discuss here. A jaguar could mess up a bulldog with ease. It’ll probably be bloody too.
Week 6: LA Tech Bulldogs at UAB Blazers aka Literal Dragons
Once again, if a dragon were to exist, a bulldog would pose no threat to a fire breathing lizard. Roasted bulldog anyone?
Week 7: Bye
Thank god, things were getting rough there.
Week 8: LA Tech Bulldogs vs. Southern Miss Golden Eagles
I read the wikipedia page on golden eagle, so I’m obviously an expert on them now. Here’s what I found: length – 26 to 40 in, wingspan – 5 ft 11 in to 7 ft 8 in, weight – 14.0 lb. Now let’s compare that to some English bulldog stats: height – 1 ft to 1 ft 3in, weight – 40–50 lb, purpose – to bite the noses of bulls and hold them down. While these stats aren’t directly comparable, I’d say that the animal bred specifically to fight bulls probably beats some silly bird.
Week 9: LA Tech Bulldogs at Rice Owls
Wait more birds? I’m not even going to bother looking at what an owl can do besides turn its goofy head around and see at night with it’s big eyes. Football games are played in the daytime anyway. A bulldog could take an owl, no problem.
Week 10: LA Tech Bulldogs vs. UNT Mean Green
Well I don’t know what a mean green is, but UNT definitely has an eagle on the side of their helmets, so let’s go with that. I don’t need to go into what happened the last time we faced an eagle.
Week 11: LA Tech Bulldogs vs. FAU Owls
C’mon man. We know how this plays out.
Week 12: LA Tech Bulldogs at UTEP Miners
Well I don’t think a bulldog can beat a grown man with a pickaxe. This seems pretty cut and dry to me.
Week 13: LA Tech Bulldogs vs. UTSA Roadrunners
Sheesh, that’s a lot of birds on the schedule. All I know about roadrunners in that they can outsmart coyotes on a regular basis,
but bulldogs are definitely not coyotes. And we all saw how other birds have done against bulldogs.
So that wraps up how I see every matchup going this season. Bulldogs are pretty good at taking down birds, but not so good at taking down people and dragons. That leaves us with a regular season record of 8-4. Hey, that’s pretty much how we’ve finished the past 3 years, so maybe I’m onto something here. Or maybe not. Who knows. I sure don’t. I don’t even know why you read all of this.