RUSTON, LA – Louisiana Tech has unveiled yet another alternate helmet to be used during the 2019 season.
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The helmet features the likeness of Tech football legend and distinguished alumnus Phil Robertson. A Tech source says they expect the helmet to “strike the fear of God” in opponents.
“We’re proud to have Phil representing our University, and we want to show our appreciation for him by putting his face on our football equipment and oh god please send us some money please I’m begging you,” a Tech spokesperson said.
“Now this is a rebranding I can get behind!” declared a BBB commenter.
In addition to the face of The Perfect Human, Phil Robertson, adorning the sides, the helmet will also proudly display “JOHN 3.16” on the nose-piece, and a white stripe along the top, with “Homosexuality is a sin and leads to bestiality” in red text along the stripe.
The helmet will be worn with a yet to be officially unveiled camouflage jersey, representing northern Louisiana’s close connection with the outdoors.
Also, the game will be billed as a “Faith and Family Night” where the first 2,000 traditional families will receive a free Bible and gun. Special guests Bobby Jindal will give the invocation, and Ted Nugent will perform the Star Spangled Banner.
We reached out to Phil Robertson for comment, but we were told by a representative that he’s “busy with some other thing right now” and to rest assured that “there is absolutely no way he’ll be dragged to that football game.”
Oh yeah, and if it isn’t already obvious, Happy April Fool’s Day.