As most of you know by now, I am a lazy individual that happens to really enjoy two things: college football and the absurd. So because of that, I bring you my (better late than never) Mascot Mashup Conference Play Edition!
Now for those of you that remember, last season, I took a what-if scenario of how our teams would fare if they were entirely composed of our respective mascots and having them fight each other in my Mascot Mashup post. Well, I’m back once again, but this time without the frivolities of non-conference mascots.
SO LET’S GET READY TO RUUUUUMBBBBLLLLLEEEEEEE
Game 1: Bulldogs at Mean Green
Ah yes, the North Texas Mean Green. What a majestic… Saying? Phrase? Statement? Man, I don’t know. Look, we ran into this issue last year and the result of my dumb rules is that our Bulldogs have to fight an eagle. Granted, I was wrong about the result last time, so apparently air superiority is a thing. Well too bad football games are played on the ground. A bulldog can easily defeat an eagle if it can’t fly.
W
Game 2: Bulldogs vs Blazers
WELP LOOK WHO WAS RIGHT LAST YEAR.
Me. It was me. Most creatures don’t stand a chance against a dragon. In fact, most of the time, dragons are the primary antagonist in a lot of fairytale stories. The big, bad dragon always stands in the way of our valiant hero, causing him many difficulties. Fortunately for the bulldogs, dragons are entirely mythical creatures. Therefore, we have no one to fight (much like UAB’s football program for a few years).
W
Game 3: Bulldogs at Roadrunners
C’mon now. We all know that a bulldog can mess up a bird pretty bad when the dog has a food bowl in sight. But we’re on home turf of the roadrunner which, if Loony Toons has taught me anything, is bad news for anybody trying to eat the roadrunner. Now, I’m no Acme scientist, but I think this goes the way it did last year. The bulldog gets the roadrunner in its jaws and just shakes the poor bird apart.
W
Game 4: Bulldogs vs Miners
Yeah, I think this one goes the way of a pack of hungry dogs against a dehydrated, delirious miner. We’ve all seen Cujo right? Well it’ll probably play out similar to the scene where Cujo goes after the alcoholic neighbor. They can run, but they can’t hide.
W
Game 5: Bulldogs at Owls (the Florida ones)
So in my limited research of owls native to Florida, I have discovered that absolutely zero of them look menacing. In fact, the biggest one only comes in at a 5.5 ft wingspan. (Jesus dude, that’s taller than most of the girls I’ve dated). That large owl happens to be a Great Horned Owl which preys on, “mammals like rabbits, opossums and skunks and birds as large as ducks, herons, young turkeys”. Yikes. Well, lucky for us, dogs are definitely not on that list. So, by using my big human brain, we can determine that the owls of Florida definitely do not fight dogs because they can’t handle them. We all know where this is going.
W
Game 6: Bulldogs vs Owls (the Texas ones)
Everything is bigger in Texas. Well, except the owls. The biggest one is still the Great Horned Owl. HOWEVER, the owls in Texas happen to be huge nerds, so they definitely don’t want to fight at all. No argument necessary.
W
Game 7: Bulldogs at Golden Eagles
I’m not going to delve into stats about birds and wingspans and all that shit again (like I did last year). All I know is that football is played on turf, which is on the ground. Birds on the ground are useless (except for emus and ostriches). Yet somehow, we seem to be cursed against eagles of the golden variety. I’m sticking with my superstitions on this one.
L
Game 7: Bulldogs vs Hilltoppers
DOGS PEE ON HILLS
W
So there you have it. If our purebred Bulldogs were to fight all of the mascots on our (conference) schedule, they would come out pretty well. 7-1 is pretty dang good considering our last year fighting a bunch of birds and such (really though, there are a lot of avian mascots in C-USA West). I’m pretty confident in our dogs to win any fight against a real creature, so let’s get conference play going!